I never really wanted to be a mom. I used to baby-sit for other people's children, and would get frustrated when they cried or annoyed at their questions or bored with playing the same games over and over again. I didn't think I'd make a good mother because I really liked my alone time - reading, napping, going out whenever I wanted, traveling - all that fun stuff that child-less people do. And I thought that either I didn't want to sacrifice all that to have children, or that I would resent my children if I ended up sacrificing my "freedom" to become a mother. So, I would scrunch my nose up and say "ew" whenever anyone asked me when I'd be having a baby and thank God that I could go home and nap if I wanted to. But, that was before.
I don't remember when I decided that I wanted to have you, or what made me change my mind about being a mom. I'm sure I was just focused on the "fun" things about having a baby - snuggling and playing and dressing you in cute clothes - but I have too much respect for myself to admit that I didn't think at all about how hard it would be. But, whatever was going through my mind, one day I just KNEW it was time to have a baby. It was time to have you.
Being pregnant sucked most of the time, I'm not going to lie to you about that. In the beginning I was sick all the time. Then, I got fat and couldn't button or zipper my pants. Soon after I wasn't able to bend over to pick something up or to sit for long periods of time in the car. Your foot was in my ribs for the last three months you were in there, and that really hurt. Plus, I had the "pregnancy cold," so my nose was stuffy and runny for nine months. It wasn't pretty. Labor and delivery was okay, but it was uncomfortable and messy. And we'll discuss my issues with breastfeeding another time.
But you. My Bug. It's cliche to say, but the moment I saw you I fell instantly in love and knew that I would feel that way about you for the rest of my life. When you opened your eyes and looked at me for the first time I understood what it meant to be a mom. It meant that I now had someone in my life that I loved more than anything else - more than I had ever loved before or even imagined I could love. It meant that I would happily die for the little creature in my arms, and not begrudge him for it. It meant that my happiness and my heart was forever tethered to a little boy that grew inside my body, forced his way out, and that I now would watch grow into a man. It meant that my life was no longer about me anymore. It was about you.
My life with you is completely unrecognizable from the life I lived before you arrived. I do not stay up past ten at night, even on weekends. I hardly read for fun, I don't go to the movies, or to bars, or out with friends without bringing you along. I have no plans to travel, and I do nothing without plans. I do not nap nilly-willy anymore, but have to make sure your dad is around to care for you before I can fall asleep. I am without my "freedom," but I never thought I'd be so happy to be "unfree."
I hear you cry, and I do not get frustrated. I feel only compassion and an urge and need to make everything better for you. If I can't make you stop crying, I hold you and rock you so you know you're not alone. When you puke on me, I don't run to change my clothes right away. Being neat and well put-together isn't that important anymore for some reason. When you wake me in the middle of the night, I do not get upset. I go and get you and do whatever you need me to do to make you comfortable before you go back to sleep. I don't mind at all. In fact, I enjoy my time with you at 3 am because I see so little of you during the day. I don't get bored with watching you in your Jumperoo for the hundreth time, or picking up the toy that you drop over and over, or blowing raspberries on your belly every day just to hear you giggle. I love the routine. I love taking care of you, even though it means that sometimes I don't take care of myself.
And why do I feel this way? Saying it's because I love you isn't enough. It's because I'm your Mommy, which is something only other mommies can understand. Seeing your smile and hearing your laugh mean more to me than anything has ever meant to me in my life. When you put your little arms around my neck to hug me, or get excited when you see me come into the room, or when you accomplish something like rolling over or sleeping through the night, or even when you make a giant load in your diaper - I finally understand what it means to truly feel happiness and unconditional love. It's a feeling and a whole new way of looking at the world that is so much better and more satisfying than the days when I was child-less and "free."
Being a Mommy is hard work. But being your Mommy is the best job in the world.
I love you to the moon...and back.
Mommy
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