Dear Bug,
It's been awhile since I've written to you! I'm sorry, but work has been kind of busy the last two weeks. I spend my days poring over cases and regulations and writing responses to pleadings - I almost never get to write you a letter or look at your cute little face in the pictures I have on my computer. I push myself so hard during the day, though, so I can be home in time for your dinner and - of course - bedtime. I can't, and won't, miss that for the world.
All this working has gotten me thinking about being a working mom. I always intended to have a career - a successful career - and worked my whole life to get where I am today. Mommy went to college, then graduate school, and finally law school, and worked her butt off for years so that she could be a successful career-woman. I always thought women who stayed at home were kind of lame and set the Women's Rights Movement back a few paces (this is not to be taken as a criticism of your grandmother, however, who stayed home with Mommy and Aunt Warnen when we were little - we think grandma rocks!). I used to go out with a boy in high school whose mom stayed home and I always felt so bad for her - like her life was boring and meaningless. I swore I would never let that happen to me. I wouldn't let my mind go to waste and I would make a difference in this world, come hell or high water. So I worked and worked, and got good grades and went to nice, expensive schools and became an environmental lawyer. I landed a good job and make a nice living. I'm involved in a prestigious profession and am surrounded by people who care about having careers. I reached the goal I've had since I was a little girl. But...
But then you were born. Even before I was pregnant with you I intended to be a full-time working mom. I was not going to let all the years and money I spent on school go to waste. I was not going to lose who I was to become a stay-at-home mom. I wasn't going to spend my days watching children's television or talking baby talk or whatever. When I went out with my friends I was going to have more to talk about than poopy diapers or teething. I wasn't going to "lose myself" in motherhood. That was the intention, even when you were growing in my belly. I can't believe now how greatly I failed to understand what being a mother would really mean.
I was lucky enough to get 12 weeks of maternity leave after you were born. So, for three months it was just you and me, all day, every day. I absolutely dreaded going back to work because I LOVED the time you and I spent together. We had our own little routine down, and I don't remember a time in my life when I was happier. The day I started back to work, Daddy put you in your carseat to take you to Eliana's, and I just cried. I cried all the way to work and through a good portion of the day. I almost killed myself on the parkway that afternoon getting home to you. And when I finally got there I hugged you so tight and didn't let you go the rest of the night. For the first two weeks back to work I cried nearly every morning, mostly in the car on the way to the office so Daddy wouldn't see. Even now, I get really sad the night before my workweek is about to start because I know how much I'll miss you.
Since I've been back to work, I've realized a few things. First, I know I would give up everything - my great job, my paycheck, my career, my law degree - everything I worked so hard to get, in order to stay home and be your mom full-time. I would do it in a heartbeat. I love that you and Daddy have a great relationship, but I get SO JEALOUS that he gets to spend so much time with you, and that sometimes you prefer to play with him. But that's only part of it. I want to stay home because I realize that being a mom - being your mom - is so much more important than anything I can do in my office or as a lawyer in general. And it wouldn't bore me at all - I would love every second of it. That's the other thing I realized - that being a stay-at-home mom doesn't mean that all my education would be wasted, or that I'd be bored or boring to others. Because, after all, everything I've learned in my life - everything I've ever done - has just been in preparation to do the most important job ever - being your mom. I also realized that I could never "lose myself" in motherhood, because that suggests that I'm something other than a mother, too, and I know now that I'm not. Yes, I'm a lawyer, and a wife, and a daughter, and a sister, and a friend, but "MOM" is the overrarching term that describes who I am now. I'm always "mom," even when I'm also "lawyer" and "wife." There is no losing myself in that, because it is myself. If that makes any sense at all... :) Anyway, I totally understand now why staying at home is completely fulfilling to some women, and I think it's a credit to my sex that we're so happy to do - and capable of doing - such an important job. In no way does being a full-time mom fly in the face of gender equality.
As much as everything I've said is true, the bottom line is, I need to work. Mommy spent A LOT of money on law school. A LOT. So, Daddy and I need the money I bring home to keep a roof over your head. But I also think I work for another, more important reason: to be a good role model for you. I want you to grow up seeing your mom, a woman, as a smart, successful person. I want you to see that our family works very well by inverting the traditional gender role of the man being the breadwinner. I want you to see that Daddy and I work very much together to do this. And I want you to learn that women can be everything - loving mommies, and awesome career women. Maybe that will be the most important lesson you learn from me.
I love you to the moon, and back!
Mommy
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